Friday, October 30, 2009

Douchebags'R'Us





Halloween Kiss...

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that -
1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"


What in sam hell is going on in L.A.?????

And why does Brad Pitt look as if he just stepped out of a men's shelter and hasn't showered in 5 days?!?!?!?!?!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Lindsey Blohan got a new tat...


Come on now, I want to see by a show of hands who REALLY cares about this........

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Where's the cheetos?


I swear to Kelly Clarkson when I saw this picture I thought the chic on the left, well, my left sitting in front of my puter and maybe my right if I were turned the other way, hell, that left and right shit has always confused me! THE CHIC IN THE GOLD, ALRIGHT! I swear, she looks just like Brit Brit wearing a bad weave.

In reality it is a couple of ho's from The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

And, I am in the process of calling N.J. Child Protective Services on whomever put that stupid pink hat on that poor innocent baby.

Would you?



Have sexy times with Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken?

He looks kinda feminine to me, so I think I might not be his type. Although, I would like to pet his puppy.

Seriously???

Does this dude EVER smile?



And, if he thought Kate was batshit crazy....he obviously didn't have a crystal ball to foresee his future...



Official ride for Charmed and Dangerous...


For everything else...

Flowers - $250
Cake - $300
Officiant - $200

The look on Dunnski's face in the picture below....PRICELESS!!!





Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Frank and my chili recipe


We had a chili cook off contest Monday at work and my chili won second place. It was very close behind the winning chili (shoot, I knew I should have filled out more ballots with my chili on it)!! I have had several folks ask for the recipe, so here it is, along with a very funny story about a Texas Chili Contest.

Enjoy!

Charms Chili

* 1lb of ground chuck or ground beef (ground chuck is less fatty)
* 1 medium onion chopped
* 2 cloves of garlic chopped
* Adolph's Meat Tenderizer Seasoning
* 1 large can (29 oz) tomato sauce
* 1 can (15 oz or so) diced tomatoes
* 1 can (10 oz) Rotel tomatoes - original
* 1 package of chili seasoning (powder)- example - McCormick's
* Chili powder

Brown the onions and garlic, then add beef. Season beef with the meat tenderizer seasoning. Cook beef until browned. In a large soup pot, begin to add all canned ingredients and chili seasonings. I recommend adding the chili powder to taste. I like to add about 8 shakes of the bottle, but I like a lot of chili flavor, you might not like as much. Once meat is brown, drain grease and add to tomato mixture and simmer on low for about 20 minutes.
___________________________________________________________________________

Texas Chili Contest

This one is just about the funniest thing I've read this week. If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is, they actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
=========================================================
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
=========================================
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
=============================================================
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
=============================================================
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me
off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
==============================================================
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
===========================================================
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
================================================================
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report


Happy Halloween!!!


10 words

to describe my night last night with my 14 year old daughter.
_____________________________________________________________

Challenge

1. A demand to explain, justify, etc.


Sarcasm


1. A cutting, often ironic remark intended to wound.
2. A form of wit that is marked by the use of sarcastic language and is intended to make its victim the butt of contempt or ridicule.
3. The use of sarcasm.


Confrontation

1. An act of confronting.
2. The state of being confronted.
3. A meeting of persons face to face.
4. An open conflict of opposing ideas, forces, etc.


Combativeness

1. Ready or inclined to fight; pugnacious


Contentiousness

1. Tending to argument or strife; quarrelsome
2. Causing, involving, or characterized by argument or controversy


Aspersion

1. Verbal exhibition of bad temper


Disparage


1. To speak of in a slighting or disrespectful way; belittle
2. To reduce in esteem or rank


Defiance

1. The act or an example of defying; bold resistance to an opposing force or authority.
2. Intentionally contemptuous behavior or attitude; readiness to contend or resist.


Controvert

1. To argue against; dispute; deny; oppose
2. To argue about; debate; discuss


Dispute

1. To engage in argument or debate
2. To argue vehemently; wrangle or quarrel
3. To argue or debate about
4. To argue against; call in question: to dispute a proposal
5. To quarrel or fight about; contest
6. To strive against; oppose



Having Mom over for dinner....

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________________

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
____________________________________________________

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY -

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER



Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I'm not as think as you drunk I am...

Our lives have slowed down dramatically since the wedding and returning from our honeymoon. I am slowly trying to get back into our daily routine that doesn't involve thoughts of planning of a wedding or the feeling of forgetting to include something, someone or some major detail that would make our wedding a disaster. Of course, that did not happen and our wedding was perfect.

There were a few things that have been swirling around in my messed up head that I wanted to share....

* Don't pay a lot of money for a french pedicure right before going to the beach....the sand blasts the polish clean off.

* I was charged $310 to have my up do, my maid of honor's up do and my two girls hair fixed for the wedding. I am clearly in the wrong profession.

* Definitely take a vacation that has a bar in the pool. WAY COOL!

* If you remember to take your meds, odds are you are not likely to be balled up in a corner crying by the end of the day.

* Remember that family means well when they tell you what they think you should be doing, when you have only asked for their help.

* If you are going to be on Jerry Springer....for God's Sake, wear your bitch shit kicken' outfit!

* Last but not least...I WON 2nd PLACE in our chili cook off at work yesterday!!! I would like to thank my mother for the recipe and say that Beyonce had the best damn video of the year!!!

Thank you

Roll, roll, roll your pantyhose...


I am wearing tights for the first time this season and I swear if these damn things roll down ONE MORE TIME over my tummy, I am going to binder clip them to my skirt!!!

I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand?

I dream every night.

A lot.

Lately I have been dreaming about babies.

Lots. Of. Babies.

Usually my dreams make absolutely NO sense. But, lately they have been making so much sense I wake up feeling a sense of loss.

They started with us having a baby girl and she was not well. The hospital told us they had a rule where we could not name her until her she lived on her own for three days. On the second night, she passed.

This weekend I dreamed we adopted two Asian children, a 4 or 5 year old boy and a 2 or 3 old girl. The girls name we changed to Laura and the boys we changed to Henry, those were the closest American names to their names. The dream continued and the last thing I remember is putting the children on a train to visit their birth parents, it was a stipulation of the adoption agreement, yearly visits. I kissed them both goodbye and told them I would see them soon. The door closed and the train left the station. I rain onto the tracks and watched the train disappear and in my heart I knew I would never see them again.

Last night I dreamed that we had quadruplets, 3 boys and 1 girl. They grew up so fast, and the only way I could tell the difference in the boys is one was taller. The other two, I would have to ask them "which one are you?" I never thought it was weird that I couldn't tell the difference in my own children. Silly huh?

I am not looking forward to going to sleep tonight. Sigh


Monday, October 26, 2009

FTW?

I log into my Yahoo Mail account and this little blip is waiting for me....

Hi, Charmed!

"5 years of your life are spent eating."


Now WHAT could I possibly do with that information rather than obsess over what I eat MORE!?!?!?!?

Gee...Thanks.


Friday, October 23, 2009

Friday Football Hawtie!

Ladies, I am sorry I have been falling short in my Friday Football hawties posts. But now that the honeymoon is over...I am back!

And today and I am giving you a double dose of hotness....

Eli and Peyton Manning




They are just so cute, I want to put them both in my pocket!!




Wednesday, October 21, 2009