Thursday, March 26, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Matt Lauer was riding his bike over the weekend, when a deer jumped in front of his ass which caused him to flip over the handlebars and freaked up his shoulder. Deer: 1, Lauer: 0.
Meredith Viera thought it was really effing hilarious and joked about it on Today this morning when she explained why he wasn't at work. Meredith said, "Matt's banged up with a displaced shoulder, it popped out. Hopefully he'll be on the mend soon." Meredith said Matt thinks the animal was hired as a hit deer by the competition. Meredith added, "I hired the deer. Just graze him.'"
Ha ha ha ha. I like her.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
2. Don’t ask white girls if they “left their ass at home.”
3. If you have to bring your baby to a movie, make sure he laughs at appropriate times.
4. Don’t eat Cheetos and then sit down at a fancy hotel piano.
5. If you are in Central Park and think you are getting mugged, first check to see if maybe you’re just part of a student film.
6. If you see Oprah at a fancy function, don’t grab her wrist and ask for money. Quietly sneak up behind her and whisper, “You give me that money, Oprah. You hear me?”
7. When walking on a New York street, try not to spit, litter, bleed, or take a crap.
8. If you need to do any of these things, try to do it between two parked cars.
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!
Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?
Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.
The designated hitter rule has got to go.
Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.
Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog.
Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
I can remember the day we dissected our frogs in Biology class like it was yesterday. Melissa Eldridge was my partner, and she was just as happy as I was to be cutting into our little green amphibian friend. It was disgusting and the smell was worse than disgusting. It was that day I decided I could not have a future career as a coroner.
"All across the country, there are people who work hard and meet their responsibilities every day, without the benefit of government bailouts or multimillion-dollar bonuses," he said.
"And all they ask is that everyone, from Main Street to Wall Street to Washington, play by the same rules."
At one point in his speech, he was so angry that he was banging his fist on the podium. All I have to say is...Don't make the President angry....
And if hear one more person say Obama is doing too much too soon, I am going to scream. What exactly does it take to make some people happy? Either he is doing 'too much' or 'not enough'. He will never win in the eyes of some.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
I had my 6 month check up at the dentist this morning. Uuugghh!
After I left, I celebrated my clean teeth with a trip to McDonald's to get some yummy cinnamelts and a sweet tea! Mmmm Mmmm Good!
After I had acquired a sufficient sugar and caffeine fix from sucking down a large amount of tea....I reached in the bag for my oh so heavenly biscuits drizzled with icing.
I feel the box...I feel napkins....I don't feel utensils...WTF!
Now, I know I shouldn't be driving and eating...but I can multitask and I my knees are very good drivers. Sooo...I ate them with my fingers. And let me tell you, they were just as good as eating them the fancy smancy way with a fork.
So there....McDonald's woman who forgot to put the fork in my bag this morning. You did not stop me from enjoying clogging my arteries and my knees from driving me to work.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Monday, March 09, 2009
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt."
Chris - age 7
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)
Karen - age 7
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8
Friday, March 06, 2009
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
This evening after dinner, she asked me how hard it was for me to wash my clothes in the creek on a washboard when I was little. I smiled at her and told her washing machines had been invented several years before I was even born. She said "really?" Talk about making someone feel OLD!