Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Dear Jane,

This is funny because...

I said the same thing this afternoon.


The birds, the bees and General Tso Chicken

So, as uncomfortable as it was, I had the sex talk last night with the kiddos. Well, I had the talk with the 10 year old, the 14 year old just sat and listened and kept telling me she had already learned everything in middle school. Yeah, yeah, just sit there and look interested...OK!!!! I thought I would take them out to dinner at a popular Chinese buffet near our house to try to lighten the mood. This is really the 'Ryans' of Chinese buffets, they have steak, pizza, mashed potatoes, know, all the foods kids love. I had given the oldest a heads up about what going to transpire at dinner before we picked her sister up at the YMCA. She looked at me with her 'WTF' look and said, "Do you we have to talk about this while we are eating???"

We are now seated at our table and we have our food (except for the oldest who is so grossed out, she cannot imagine eating at a moment like this). I made small talk and then hit them with my ton of bricks, "I think we need to have a talk about sex and all the stuff that goes a long with it, what do you think?" The youngest looks at me holding a piece of sweet-n-sour chicken dripping with ketchup and says, "Oh mom! Do we have to do this while we are eating?" At this point, I am wondering if the idea of sex and food really gross them out, or if they were trying to avoid the subject. Hmmmm......

I was trying not to laugh, but then jumped in feet first and started to talk about periods. My oldest is an old pro in this area, but the 10 year old, not so much. I was explaining to her what occurs and she looked at me and then looked at her plate full of ketchup. She pushed her food away and then proceeded to curl up in the fetal position in the corner of the booth. She looked at me and told me I was REALLY grossing her out. At this point, I came to the conclusion, it wasn't going as well as I had planned.

I continued to talk about where babies come from, what parts go where during intercourse and other things that have probably never been discussed in that booth before. The youngest kept begging me to wait until we got back in the car, she was embarrassed that other people were around us. I assured her they had NO IDEA what we were talking about. When I thought I had given enough information, I asked them if they had any questions. Going once, twice....but there were no questions from the audience.

I prodded them a little more and started talking about dating. I wanted them to understand they are always driving the a matter of speaking. Their actions will let a boy know (or think) how far they want to go. I tried to make them understand how special the act really is, and that it will not mean as much to them until they find the right person. This conversation then lead to talk about marriage and ultimately, the divorce between their dad and I. I tried to make them understand that I would not trade the time I had with their dad, because it gave me them, my two beautiful daughters. There were tears, there were issues brought to light that had been bothering both of them, but in the end I think we all walked away from that booth understanding each other a little better.

I feel her pain...

My kid will wake me up to ask me if I am asleep.


Thanks Joe for the cute comic.

Damn Disney execs!!!!

You make a couple of small requests... like imported bottled water from Italy, Tom Collichio as your personal chef and a couple daily massages by Bradley Cooper...


What the hell? Our scenes were cut from the lastest HSM movie!!

Whatevs, I really wasn't enjoyin my new rockin' 21 year old body anyways!

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Facebook funnies...


Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I am working on my own signage...

Except mine will tell unsuspecting co-workers what to do if they encounter a snake in the forest behind work.

He shot a man in Weeeeeno...

Take 27....

I really should have practiced my lines more...

Today's lunch topics

* too many quotes to mention from The Hangover movie

* homemade salsa

* Dry humping

* sports bras

* Flirty Girl Fitness

* having the 'sex talk' with your kids

* mashed potatoes

* pole dancing

It was Taco Bar day and the food was self good conversation ever comes from a self serve taco bar.


This is one ancient penis....

Friday, July 24, 2009


Bring Me To Life - Evanescence

Snow White I am not...

So, I am trying to lose weight and I try to take a couple of walks a day while at work. Usually while on my walks I will see dragonflies, white tailed bunnies and every species of bird known to man.

I have even seen a baby fox/opossum/antelope looking creature dead in the pond that runs behind our building. Which was very sad, until something pulled it out of the water and cleaned the carcass to the bones, now, it's very disgusting.

But today, today, I DID NOT expect to see what I saw...

(not actual picture of said snake, I was running to fast to snap a pic of him)

I saw a fucking snake!!! A SNAKE!!!!!! And he had his head perched up at me looking me! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, before you start to think what I wuss I am, I do live in the country and I have seen snakes before, but not one this big and not one in the defensive position. I was about 5 ft from him when I first saw him. The first thoughts that raced through my mind was....

"Oh fuck, what are snake rules: Do you look them in the eye or look away? No, dummy, that is dogs, you never look an aggressive dog in the eyes! Do you run or walk away? Or do you back away or run from side to side? No, wait, that is for bears! Do you be quiet or make noise? Oh shit!"

So, I slowly backed down off the bridge and sprinted as fast as I could in Vera Wang heels back toward the building keeping an eye on him.

I am now off to Target to soothe my soul with a mocha latte and some retail therapy.

Gawd...I love me some Target! And whoever thought to put a Starbucks in Targets was a freakin' GENIUS!

Saucer of milk for one?

Life & Style
has reported that when Mrs. Brad Pitt was asked what she thinks about Megan Fox, she replied,

"Is she aiding in Africa or sitting in on U.N. conferences? Donating herself to something bigger than Hollywood? I'm not familiar with her work, is she an Oscar contender?"

Ouch. I would have probably shortened my response to, "I'm not familiar with her work", and left it at that. But, I am a little older (cough, cough) than Angie, so if a younger version of me was movin in on my territory and threatening to take some of my movie roles, I would have probably said something worse.

I wonder if Brad has ever been caught catching a glimpse at Ms. Meagan? She does look an awful lot like a younger, hotter version of his wife. Hmmmmmmm............

Happy freakin' Friday!


Thursday, July 23, 2009

Hot Hot Skinny Dippin' Hot!!

Half Naked Thursday...

Well, actually it's full buttage naked Thursday!!

...can I get an AMEN, Ladies???

An open letter to all men who love a woman...

I stumbled across a random blog over a year and I saved this entry. I'm not sure why it has taken me so long to post it.

An open letter to all husbands...

A woman who feels desired is many things:

She is less likely to reach frustration with
or the children
or the cat
or the dog.
She is more likely to feel like an important part of
your life
and the home you share
and the children you created together.
She is more likely to look at her own body
and instead of feeling disgust at the way it has changed
since bringing your children into the world,
she is more likely to remember the feel of
your hands on her hips
or trailing down her spine
or the way that you pull her in
and fit her perfectly into the spaces of your own form.
A woman who feels desired
is so much easier to sit across the table from
as she is less likely to be judging
her own skin
her own curves
her own worth
her place in the bed that you share.
She is more likely to care for the body she has been given,
feed it good, whole foods
put it to frequent use in the garden
enjoy the pull of muscle
and increasing strength
as she carries ever-growing children
and becomes more confident with household repairs.
A woman who feels desired will rear children
who see their bodies as perfect works of art
that should be celebrated
and capable of love.

It takes very little to make a woman feel desired.
It does not require
expensive jewelery
exotic flowers
pages of poems
romantic dates
or even dramatic words.
You can tell a woman you desire her
with nothing more than a look
a simple touch
a well placed word
and by listening to what she's saying
and then responding appropriately.

Without those simple things
even a strong woman may start to feel
And less leads to
self loathing
bad parenting
and a marriage
that may not last the next five years.

So when your wife asks you,
"Do you find me sexy?"
the answer should never be
a long pause
followed by a apologetic
"I just love you."

Lie to me
if you have to,
but tell me "yes"
and then watch
as my confidence continues
to bloom
and my heart stays open
even when the world
is throwing us curve balls.
Because sometimes,
a woman needs to know she is desired
or she'll start to believe
it is no longer true.

It made her tingle!

Last night, Ash got to pick where she wanted to go to dinner for her birthday. And I have to say, for a child who is soooo picky about her food, this is one kid who can eat her weight in steak. So, it was no surprise when she piked Outback Steakhouse.

She asked if the bread was "chocolate bread".....tee hee

THEN....they brought her steak, and while I was cutting it for her, she said, "Oh, that steak is making me all tingly!"

Yep, she is my daughter.