Wednesday, May 21, 2008

My brain is full and I am so tired

I haven't written in a while, I really haven't had much to say. My brain is so jumbled and full it hurts. I am going to warn you, this may be long and jump from topic to beware.

Had a great Birthday. Dunnski treated me to a spectacular dinner at Bourbon's Bistro and a small box from Edenside, my favorite.

I was BACK in the hospital weekend before last. Another kidney stone. I know what you are thinking. When will you ever pass all of those little suckers? I wish I knew the answer to that question. I am hurting some now, trying to pass some fragments, that just do not want to come out. So, who knows.....

Last weekend took a weekend trip to Kings Island with Cork's band. OMG! What were we thinking?? A weekend trip with 50 teenagers! Oh well, Dunnski and I got a trip to Jungle Jim's out of it, so it wasn't half bad.

Work is work. I am very unmotivated right now.

My oldest, Cork will be a teenager next week. But, I don't really expect her attitude to change much. She has been giving me a BIG ATTITUDE since she entered the 7th grade.

Well, it is official. My youngest daughter has Inattentive ADHD. Her poor grades in school and her inability to concentrate led me to have her tested by her therapist. I always had an idea that she had something wrong with her. She can be very difficult to handle at times, not like a normal child.


We now need to go to the pediatrician and start the trials of medication to see which ones and at which levels she will best react to.

We had a visit with the therapist (Dr Julie) Monday night and Julie was talking to Ash about how her dad and I divorcing will always come back to visit her. Julie said, "the memory will some days come back and knock on your door without you even thinking about it." Ash looked at her and said, "the memories are still ringing my doorbell everyday." The fact that an 8 year old is haunted by memories is so sad.

If you are a regular reader, you have read my post about Ash not being able to sleep in her own room. Well, Dr. Julie tried tackling that issue Monday night. Her and Ash came to the conclusion that it is worry that keeps her awake. Ash does not like school, so there is a lot of tension at bedtime. Ash told Julie that she will sometimes call her dad at bedtime and after they talk she will ask him to hang up the phone and leave it on his pillow next to him and she will do the same, that way she can imagine that he is there next to her. I am now, as I was then, crying like a baby. This broke my heart. I know that the divorce was the right thing to do. But how can I explain to my 8 year old daughter that taking her dad away was the right thing to do?

As a mother you want to make your children happy. You want your children to feel safe and protected and loved. You want your children to be able to be children - to not have to worry. It hurts my heart when my children worry and they hurt. I want to take all of it from them. Especially Ashley, she is so little, she puts on a brave face, but the pain is still there.

I am so stressed, I used to love to listen to all types music. It was my escape. Now it is like it is static, like it's noise. The only type that I can listen to now is classical. It is so soothing. It relaxes me.


the sidog said...

Oh that is a lot of stuff, no wonder your brain is so full, I'll send you positive thoughts across the pond I hope it helps a little bit.

Fiona said...

I'm so sorry to hear about all these things coming down on you. My husband's fear of hurting his children (his father left his mother when he was very young) almost stopped him from doing what he did manage to find the courage to do, eventually.

I am more than aware that he continues to hurt from it and that his older boy especially (almost 14) is having problems dealing with it all.

I can understand your hurt, hon, I see it in his eyes.

ummmhello said...

Oh C, you've got some major stuff happening. Divorce is so hard on kids, but I'd never seen it from the parents' view before. I'm so sorry. Your description brought tears to my eyes, I remember being that kid. I hope you guys are able to shift gears and get through this together. ((hugs))

Jessi said...

Sorry to hear you're having some tough times. I'll be sending you some good thoughts too! It really sucks having to be a responsible adult sometimes doesn't it?

Tony said...

Divorce was hard on me and my siblings, but my parents remaining married would have been so much worse.