Wednesday, March 05, 2008

One ticked off consumer...

A friend sent this to me today in an email. I was cracking up the whole time I was reading it. This lady needs some Xanax and a box of Tampax.

Dear Mr. Thatcher:


I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi-pads for over 20 years,
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak-Guard
Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the
beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flex-Wings. Kudos
on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that
maxi-pads be aerodynamic. I can' t tell you how safe and secure I feel
each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call
'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo.' Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize
it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend
Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into
a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's
Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...which brings me to the
reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to
reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always
maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words,
'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f****** kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well...did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never
be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap
a moronic message on a maxi-pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put Down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong,' or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bull s***. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

3 comments:

ummmhello said...

I love that SOOO much!!! Excuse me, I'm on my way to Walgreens, to go out in a blaze of glory! :)

Ryan The Intern said...

God, women are frightening.

kristi said...

Tee hee!!