1. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
2. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off—even while scuba diving.
3. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
4. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
5. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
6. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
7. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
8. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade—at any time of the year.
9. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill—just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
10. Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
11. If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
12. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
13. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
14. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
15. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
16. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
17. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
18. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
19. It is not necessary to say “hello” or “goodbye” when beginning or ending phone conversations.
20. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
21. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
22. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
23. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption, or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
24. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
25. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds—unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
26. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
27. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.